Understanding Children’s Fears @ www.listeningcourses.com

So, your child is afraid of monsters? Fears about things that are not based in reality (monsters, ghosts, supernatural beings, bogeymen, trolls, goblins, fairies, spirits and many more) are extremely common in children aged 4 to 6 years.

This article is about children’s fears of monsters, where the fears come from, how you would know your child had that fear, what the child feels, and 24 practical tips that will help children manage their fear of monsters (and other frightening imaginary creatures).

Where does fear of monsters come from?

Children fear many things that adults do not, and fear is a normal and essential part of child development. Fear of monsters affects a very high proportion of young children. Their imaginations are developing, and they often have vivid dreams.

Frightening visual images seen in daytime (in books, online, on television) may return at night in their dreams. Sometimes a mere sideways glance at a scary image is enough to embed it in a child’s imaginary world.

Even non-scary visual images or cartoon characters can morph into very scary creatures in their imaginations and in their dreams.

It is important however to try not to be overly concerned. Remember that this is a developmental phase, experienced by a very high proportion of children, especially younger ones and perhaps at stressful transitions such as when your child starts school.

Your child’s fear of monsters is not your fault, you did not cause it and it is not a sign that there is something wrong with your child. Nor is it a sign that they need psychological help from a monster expert. There are things you can do, however. First, establish what fear your child is experiencing, and whether your child has a fear of monsters or some other frightening imaginary creature.

How would I know my child is experiencing a fear of monsters?

Perhaps you are already aware of your child’s fear of monsters. They may have told you or hinted at it or tried to tell you. Children often speak to a trusted adult about their fear of their particular monster but they do not always do that. If children feel some shame about their fear, it is difficult for them to speak of it and this is particularly so in the case of older children. For all children (and adults also!), it is difficult to speak if they feel their words will be met with judgement, dismissal, or disdain. It is important, therefore, for adults to develop good listening and communication skills.

If your child has not told you directly, you may have guessed they have a fear of monsters by how they act. You may have noticed fearfulness during the day, as they may have shown a reluctance to be in certain rooms or places, especially alone.

You are most likely to have noticed it at night as that is when the fear of monsters really makes itself felt and children experience this fear very extremely at night. Night-time can be a frightening time for children, but it is especially so for those who are afraid of monsters.

Perhaps your child has started school or has returned to school, and you notice night-time anxiety and poor sleeping patterns. These are often indications that your child is experiencing a fear of monsters.

(Important Note: These anxieties may also be an indication of other fears your child is experiencing, some of which may have a basis in reality, and which may need a different intervention. Learning to listen well to your child is the best way to understand their lives, build trust, and communicate effectively.)

How does fear of monsters affect my child?

If your child experiences this fear of monsters, you will recognise some of the following symptoms. They come from the anxiety, dread and even panic a child feels when the creature of their imagination fills up their mind.

At night-time, they may exhibit reluctance to go to bed, to be left alone once in bed, and to be in the dark. They may develop a variety of delaying tactics, as well as additional requests and general failure to settle once in bed.

During the daytime, they may also exhibit anxiety. For example they may show reluctance to go to certain rooms or areas, or refuse to be in a certain room, especially alone.

Fear of monsters often triggers poor and broken sleep. During the night, they may leave their own bedroom and run to another room, especially the parents’ room, and refuse to return to their own room. This running is driven by panic and terror.

You may have noticed physical symptoms such as rapid or irregular heartbeat, sweating, breathlessness, rapid breathing, dry mouth, trembling, and nausea.

When this fear causes children to wake, sometimes screaming, it becomes a difficulty also for adults and other children in the household who may be woken at night. As a consequence, all may suffer tiredness and tetchiness the following day.

Such is the dread and terror created by a fear of monsters that simply thinking about the subject of monsters or a situation where they imagine the monster to be may be enough to cause your child to experience an array of disturbing symptoms.

As well as terror, dread and panic children often feel shame about their fear, particularly as they get older. They often feel powerless in the face of this fear that has got hold of them. It is here that parents can intervene to build coping skills, strength and resilience in children.

How common is fear of monsters?

Fear of monsters is more common than you might think. It even has its own name in child development literature – Teratophobia (from the Greek words teras meaning malformation or monster, and phobos meaning fear). While it is an extremely common fear in small children, it becomes less common as they age so that by teenage years and adulthood it is uncommon or even rare.

The first thing to remember is that this is a time-limited fear. It is a fear that diminishes and disappears over time. It will pass. It is important for you and for your child to know this. In the meantime, what can you do to help your child manage their fear of monsters?

How can I help my child to manage this fear of monsters?

It can seem impossible to manage this particular fear and it is easy to become worried and frustrated as it often interferes with bed-time ease and night-time sleep. Some fears can be avoided but this one can not.

Unlike other fears (fear of dogs, heights, strange places, Santa Claus, and endless others), this particular fear of monsters is located very firmly in a child’s imagination. A child, therefore, cannot avoid this fear because they cannot avoid the situation where it occurs. They must face this fear every single day, and it can be especially pronounced at night.

As with all fears, listening well, acknowledging the problem, and showing respect, sensitivity and empathy are essential good practices. Here are the best things (in no particular order) than you can do to help your child manage their fear of monsters …

TOP TIPS TO HELP YOUR CHILD MANAGE A FEAR OF MONSTERS

1. Take your child’s fear of monsters seriously. Know that, although fears are a normal, healthy part of child development, children experience them intensely and sometimes overwhelmingly. Taking your child’s fear seriously means learning to listen well so that you will be able to hear what your child is saying, understand them better and communicate effectively with them.

THINGS NOT TO DO

2. Don’t ignore or minimise a child’s fears. Impatiently saying “there’s nothing to be afraid of”, “don’t be silly”, or “stop acting like this” is not helpful. Instead, it teaches a child that you will not listen to them when they try to tell you something that is important to them and they will learn that you will not take them seriously about other things that are important to them.

3. Being dismissive of their fears (for example, using phrases such as “don’t be such a baby” or “you’re too old to be scared like this”) acts as a putdown and is a foundation for poor communication. It will not help your child to manage their fears, but instead it will teach them that it is not safe to communicate their fears to you and it will make them afraid to tell you other things they are afraid of.

4. Equally, the use of comparisons is negative and unhelpful, for example, phrases such as “your brother is not afraid of monsters” or “your cousin sleeps in their own room with no light on”. Comparisons serve only to reduce the inherent worth of a child, make them feel devalued, and are another foundation of poor communication.

5. Never use a child’s fear as a threat to manage behaviour or as a deterrent against acting in particular ways. Don’t tell your child that if they misbehave, the monster will appear. “If you don’t pick up your toys, the bogeyman (here substitute any monster’s name) will come and get you” Monsters may be invoked to deter specific behaviours such as thumb sucking in younger children or non-compliance in older children.

6. Never make fun of, mock, tease or belittle a child because of their fear. What may seem funny to adults and even to other children is not funny for the child experiencing the fear.

7. If your child is convinced there is a monster under the bed, or in the cupboard, or behind the door, you may be tempted to “check the room for monsters” to reassure your child that the monster is not there. This is not recommended. Not only is it dishonest, it gives the child further evidence of the existence of the monster and may reinforce their belief in the monster (the adult is willing to look for it, therefore there is a good possibility that it exists).

8. Do not force your child to do things they are not ready for, including “confronting” their fear. If this fear is too great at this time, you may have to make adjustments. Leave a night light on in their room or put a small light in the hallway outside their room. Perhaps they could sleep in a room with a sibling. Some parents put a temporary bed at the bottom of their own bed but put some rules in place that encourage them to stay in their own bed if they wake up.

Remember that fear of monsters is time-limited and no child wants to be afraid. They need and want your help to outgrow this fear and none of these foregoing negative interventions will help children to manage their fears in positive ways.

INSTEAD – THINGS TO DO

9. Acknowledge your child’s fears and let them know you understand. Saying simply, “I understand” and “It is frightening to feel like that” is far more positive, powerful and effective than all the comparisons, putdowns and rationalisations a child will hear. Acknowledging your child’s fear opens up communication rather than shutting it down. It lets them know that you empathise with them and helps them to feel understood.

10. Some writers recommend validating the fear or worry with non-judgemental and descriptive language. Saying for example, “it sounds like you are really frightened of monsters and the thought of one under the bed is really scary”. This may seem counter-intuitive and you may worry that it may make your child even more frightened but researchers say that this helps children to process the emotion and feel safe and trusting.

11. Let your child know that fears are common. Many, many children – perhaps the majority – suffer from some fear, and fear of monsters is especially common.

12. Let them know that fears don’t last. Fear of monsters is almost always transient.

13. Let them know that there are ways to manage fears in general, and fear of monsters in particular.

14. Let them know that there is nothing to be ashamed of in being afraid.

15. Let them know that you too were afraid of things as a child.

16. Tell the truth about monsters and let your child know that monsters are imaginary creatures and that the only harm they do is in how they make your child feel. Avoid telling lies about monsters, pretending that the bogeyman exists, for example as a deterrent or a threat (see number 5 above). Instead let your child know that fear of monsters is so widespread that there are stories of children’s fears of monsters in all cultures. This children’s story tells of some of them The Boy Who was Afraid of Monsters (e-book available at http://www.amazon.co.uk).

17. Learning good listening skills will help you to interact in positive ways with children experiencing fear and will show you how to build a basis for good communication now and in the future. Good listening skills involve a mixture of understanding, behaviours, skills and attitudes and can be learned. Click here for specialised listening courses for parents.

Good listening is the cornerstone of good communication.

Take practical steps that include the following:

18. Try to elicit the source and nature of your child’s fear of monsters. You may do this by talking to them, asking them gentle questions and listening carefully to the answers, or by asking them to draw their monster. This will help you to understand your child’s monster and help them to know that you empathise with them.

Remember that the fear of the monster is so great for some children that it is terrifying for them even to speak the name of their monster, or hear it spoken. JK Rowling, in the Harry Potter series, captured this avoidance of naming evil and dangerous beings in her account of Voldemort, the evil wizard who is so feared that it is considered dangerous even to speak his name. Described by Rowling in an interview as a raging psychopath, devoid of the normal human responses to other people’s suffering, almost no one dares to speak the name Voldemort aloud, and so he is referred to only by the epithets “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” or “You-Know-Who”.

19. Be the best model of calmness you can be. If your children see that you are afraid, for example if you shriek every time you see a spider, remember that children often (but not always) model parental behaviour so try to stay calm even if you don’t always feel it.

20. Put calming night-time steps in place. Have a routine, keep the atmosphere gentle, don’t delay bed-time because of the fear (or other reasons). Try to gauge if there are certain television programmes, stories or games that trigger your child’s fear and if so, try to ensure your child avoids them, particularly in the evening time.

21. Don’t underestimate the calming power of breathing and other mindfulness techniques.

22. Reward their courage when they begin to manage their fear of monsters. This will happen gradually and it is important to name their “bravery”. Initially, the steps will be small and relapses may be expected. Each step is a sign of growth, of increasing strength and resilience and the beginnings of self-efficacy. Your child is learning various sets of problem-solving skills, and these skills will serve her or him well in other situations. Good parenting will assist the child in developing these skills and using them well.

23. Read a story. There are lots of stories about children and monsters that help them to see their fears are common and that they can be overcome. Here is an e-book that you can download and read straight away. It is called The Boy Who was Afraid of Monsters. It is based on research about children’s fear of monsters, how fears can start, the effects of fear on children, ways to listen and speak to children about their fears, and specifically how to manage fear of monsters. Most of all, it models good ways of communicating with children.

24. Most important of all perhaps is to see the positive opportunity that presents itself in how your child’s fear is managed. Not only is this fear normal and developmental, it is a marvellous opportunity. It is a chance to help your child to develop resilience.

Resilience is the ability to recover easily from difficulties, the capacity to “bounce back”, the growing into robustness. It is possible for children (and adults) to learn resilience and to become robust and strong in how they face and recover from stresses and challenges.

Children can learn resilience with your help. Assist them and support them in finding and implementing strategies to manage their fears. The more children learn they can manage difficulties themselves, the more resilient they become.

Resilience is transferable from one situation to another and so the skills they learn managing their fear of monsters will be very useful for them in other situations.

In conclusion, a child’s fear of monsters is not the negative thing it may at first appear. It is a normal and healthy developmental phase. It provides many opportunities, not least among them the opportunity to learn and practise new skills, the opportunity to problem-solve, the opportunity to grow in resilience, the opportunity to build trust, the opportunity to lay good foundations for your relationship with your child, and most importantly the opportunity for parents to develop further and fine tune good listening skills, the very cornerstone of good communication.

For further information, please contact info.listeningcourses@gmail.com

Dr Joan Hanafin

Founder of www.listeningcourses.com

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